Despite the return of the symptoms, I feel good.

“My dear friends, supporters, and interested people,

Unfortunately, my symptoms have returned. Less intense but noticeable. Until shortly after my last report, I thought I was relatively safe. I was taking it slow and staying healthy. The daily yoga routines were accompanied by leisurely cycling and occasional meetings with friends. Plus a healthy diet, except for a few Thüringer Rostbratwürste, sorry. It all felt quite good. So I expanded my activities. Two music sessions, a shift at the State Opera, meetings with my new Buddhism group, and a generally higher energy level.

Unfortunately, then herpes, tinnitus, headaches, weakness, and other symptoms returned relatively quickly. What does this mean for me on an objective level? That I cannot follow the path I had envisioned for myself. That my immune and nervous system are still in a delicate state. However, in my mind, a completely different scenario was unfolding. Perhaps you can imagine the fear that surged with the re-emergence of my symptoms, the internal struggle that ensued, and the once again desperate grasp at my old life that threatened to creep into my mind. And the old thoughts of suffering and helplessness that tried to take hold of me again. Questions like: What if it never gets better? Or: Was my journey and your support in vain? But I contemplated all of this, immersed myself in this theater of the mind. What an annoying and futile fear this is? Why do I have this fear exactly? What useless thoughts does this brain produce? What’s the point of it all?

My dear friends, supporters, and interested parties, the journey along with the experiences saved my life. This journey brought back positive feelings into my body and mind. It taught me many things, such as how to view myself, the illness (post-vac syndrome), and life in general. It showed me how to be compassionate towards myself, how to care for my body in a healing manner, and how to use my mind for my benefit rather than against me. I feel more inner peace. Not 24/7, of course, but it’s there. Through the study of Buddhism, I’ve been questioning my life concepts, like my self-image, relationships, success, and exploring my perception. This has resulted in a sense of freedom, a lightness towards things, and consequently, a reduction in fear. If my life turns out differently than I had planned, so be it. And I don’t have to feel useless just because I can’t work properly at the moment. The wheel of appearances turns quickly. So do you and I. When one clings too tightly to the idea of a solid self, one worries about that solid self. Then one compares oneself to oneself, thinking that one must return to a different self-image or to an imaginary self in the future. I now look at my self and these actions with a grin. I feel much better, regardless of the outcome. Perhaps this is another key to my healing.

Here’s a list of the things I do to cultivate happiness, health, and fearlessness:

• Regular yoga: Fortunately, in Rishikesh, I received a program tailored to my needs. The foundation is Hatha Yoga, relatively slow in my case, with a focus on breathing.
• Breathing techniques: After yoga, an additional 10 minutes of three small techniques and reciting several OM’s energize me.
• Meditation: I practice both focus point meditation, where I concentrate on my breath, and analytical meditation. In my case, it’s almost always meditation on emptiness. It’s about understanding that everything we perceive, including my thoughts and my ego, as well as seemingly solid objects like houses, glasses, synthesizers, and even animals, plants, everything, lacks objective reality and appears differently to us than it really is.
• Chanting and mantras: I’ve been given some mantras along the way, and I enjoy chanting them aloud in my flat. I’ve already looked into opportunities to do this with others in Berlin. While there are offers here and there, I can’t afford it at the moment. Often, it’s suggested to be on a donation basis, but then it mentions 15-25 euros. It was different in Rishikesh. However, these opportunities will come in time. I’m relatively new to this field. Here are some mantras and music. (Yes, it’s not techno):

[Links to music videos follow]

https://youtu.be/g2hNuLUevkk
https://youtu.be/pOL66P0FdPQ
https://youtu.be/gLtu-bpWVbY
https://youtu.be/Vqa-_XbmF5g
https://youtu.be/RU9qFf4wxKI

• My morning ritual for practicing compassion and gratitude: It helps me align with my values. I light two candles and fill a glass with clear water. One candle symbolizes the seed of perfection that we all carry within us, no matter how deluded we may be. With the other candle, I wish for myself and sentient beings that our hearts and minds may shine a bit brighter through this light. Through the water, I ask that my mind may become as clear as pure water through my studies to gain wisdom. For wisdom dispels fear, and I can better assist others. Think what you will, but it helps me cultivate compassion and love. And the more we love, the happier we are. But honestly, dear friends, there are good days and not-so-good days. Sometimes I feel nothing, and other times, it’s remarkably good. Let it happen, observe, relax.
• Food: I’m mindful of my diet, with small exceptions that are equally delicious.
• Self-care: I take ample time and peace to do good things for my body.
• My Indian and Tibetan medicine.

• Studying the Dharma, the path of the Buddha: I’ve had intense experiences through this practice. I’m particularly fond of the Heart Sutra. However, it’s not enough to occasionally listen to a podcast. One must engage with it repeatedly and in various situations.

As you can see, I’ve been quite busy since my return. That’s also why I haven’t reached out to many of my friends yet. Please forgive me for that. When you strive to walk more mindfully on this earth, time changes. However, when we do speak, you will receive more of my attention. Hopefully, that will help balance things out. I will now remove the fundraiser, and in a subsequent post, I’ll express my gratitude in detail. Everything in its own time. I’ll keep an open donation option to continue supporting this blog, as the topic of post-vac syndrome is still not well-recognized in Germany. It would also be nice to help other people with my efforts. I receive many messages from other affected or interested individuals. Besides, my journey is far from over. Since Tuesday until December 18th, I’ve accepted a small role as a makeup artist at a charming theatre in Berlin for a cabaret.

Please keep your fingers crossed that my health cooperates. After that, I have sporadic shows at the Komische Oper and the Staatsoper. I can’t make a living from these yet, but these small steps bring me great happiness.

Thank you so much for being with me, my dear friends, interested parties, and supporters.”

Tilo

“May you be happy. May you be safe free from harm and danger. May you have all you need to be peaceful and satisfied. May your thoughts and actions be positive and all your experiences good”

༄༄ །།ཨོཾཧནུཔཧཤབྷརཧེཡེསྭཱཧཱ།། ༄༄